‘Live the questions now’

Graphic by Jess Rogers (http://twitter.com/realjessrogers)

Graphic by Jessica Rogers (http://twitter.com/realjessrogers)

In 2012 I stumbled upon a road that revealed all the answers to me – or so I thought. A public library believed in me and hired me to be part of their outreach team. I didn’t even know what this title meant at the time and I thought they had made a mistake until I started working and fell in love with the job. The questions about my future vanished. I pushed them behind hedges and ignored their presence. I was happy where I was and I knew exactly what I wanted to do for the next few years: promote library and engage with people on a very regular basis. In truth, I was running blind on a path too straight.

A budget cut later, I became expendable and hit a wall. I fought and crawled my way back disregarding that hurdle, convincing myself that if I could only get past it, everything would be fine again. I would still be working with my beloved libraries – only not in the extinct outreach team. I was hired again but stopped running. My brain wasn’t on fire any longer and the questions became impossible to hold back. They crept on me and slowly the answers disappeared.

I got scared. I cried, too much. And then I stumbled upon Rainer Maria Rilke’s quote at Coffee-Stained Journal and I realised I didn’t need to be so afraid. I repeated the words like a mantra over the weeks, trying to embrace the questions and advance once more onto my path. Slowly I came to realise I’ve never had any answers, only a glimpse into a truth I had ignored until then – I love engaging with strangers. In my hurry to leave my past struggles behind and settle on a road I had lost sight of one important thing: this life was never the one I wanted.

I am grateful to have been offered a glimpse into what I can be and the amount of energy I have when doing what I love but I was not directing my willpower where it should have gone. I was pretending to have grown enough to know how to run but I’ve never even tried to walk.

I cannot deny that I am not happy as I once was. I do not get up in the morning eager to go to work and collapse in bed at night exhausted but with a grin on my face. I am unsatisfied by my day job, constricted by politics, secrecy and relentless negativity. I battle a lost war against raging boredom. But in my spare time I have slowed down, giving myself space to grow, fall, learn, and explore unknown trails I had ignored before.

There is a maze revealing itself, endless possibilities that gets me excited and frightened in equal measure. I am tentatively stepping into one direction while keeping my eyes on another. It is a tricky balance to maintain and I know I will have to make a decision someday soon – but not right now. I have to love the questions before I can reach any answer.

Isn’t it the journey that matters?


7 thoughts on “‘Live the questions now’

  1. Such a heartfelt post Allyssee and it’s lovely to see what an impact the quote had on you (thanks for including the link!) and what a light it might have been in some rather gloomy times… 🙂
    It’s never good to feel somewhat trapped in your own life and sitting in your living room surrounded by loads of things that do not really belong to you and cause an in the truest sense of the word “strange” feeling. But keep in mind, happiness tends to be faithful friend – even though we may not always know where it is, we most likely know how to get there… 😉
    Wishing you the patience as well as the perseverance to cope with the situation and may there be an answer or two crossing your path, maybe even when you least expect it! Take care, Oliver


  2. Pingback: The Orkney Islands – A pilgrimage? | Beste Glatisant

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